No Santa Here…

Building a little from my last post regarding honesty, I wonder how people feel about Santa, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, etc.  I know that in these things I stand apart from most of the crowd because I won’t lie to my children about them.  I tell them the truth.

Now some may argue that I am taking away some vital part of their childhood by doing so, but I disagree.  They still get presents and enjoy the wonder of the holiday season.  We still color eggs and go on hunts for them.  I still pay them for their teeth.  I just couldn’t bring myself to lie to them about it.

I remember figuring out Santa when I was about 5 or 6 and asking my mom about it.  The betrayal and loss of trust I felt has stayed with me.  All the adults I knew and loved, even strangers, were in on this big lie that children were supposed to buy into.  What else were they lying about to children?  I lost a lot of trust in adults.   Because of that, I promised myself at that young age that I would not lie to my kids, that they would be able to trust my word.

I respect other parents’ rights to teach their children as they see fit, and I discuss that with my own children, how it is not their place to tell anyone else what they know about these social icons.  I tell them that just like it is the other children’s parents’ place to teach them about sex or religion or what words are “bad” to use, it is also their parents right to teach them as they see fit about holidays.  So far it has worked out fairly well.

In the greater scheme of things, I hope it has also allowed my children to trust what I tell them to a greater degree, because they know that I do stand up to the bulk of society in being honest with them.  I hope, too, that it has given them more trust in my belief in God and religion because I can look them in the eye and tell them I have never lied to them about the existence of Santa or the Tooth Fairy, but I do know that God is real.  Now I’m not here to push my beliefs on anyone one else, but in my situation and with my beliefs,  I know honesty has been the way to go with my own children, and in life.  It is something I have thought about at length and often.  I choose honesty.

Day Eighteen of Gratitude

I’m late posting this by a day.  Oh well, such is life.

If you follow me at all on twitter you may have seen that I think my parents are the best.  Well, they are.  I am so very, very thankful for my parents.  Even when I have done things completely against the rules, things I never should have done and thoroughly regret, they were there to help me and love me through it.  When I fall (or life kicks me down), I know help is nearby if I need it.

I think they and my siblings would all agree that I have been by far their most challenging child to raise because when I screw up, I seem to do it with flair.   Even after I moved out, even as an adult, even today, I have turned to them for help and they are there for me.  I don’t know what I’d do without them.  And this coming from the one who is probably also their most fiercely independent child, at least I try to be.

I know they have sacrificed and given and taught me so much over the years, and each year I discover, or am reminded through my own children, even more of what they have done for me.  For example, they took us, and still take us, to Disneyland and Disney World often.  Have you ever taken a family of seven to Disney?  Besides the costs, there are all the logistics and trying to keep everyone happy, the whining, trying to get smiles for pictures, just keeping track of everyone, and no matter what, someone is going to be grumpy.   When I took my oldest to Disney years ago I was so profoundly aware of what a sacrifice it was for them to take our family as often as they did, and do.  And that was just with one child!  They took five of  us!  But that is something they do.  They make memories.  They took us all over the world making memories all along the way.  Because of them, my own family is able to make some fun memories, too.  They gave me an appreciation for memories over things, family over finances.  And I cannot thank them enough.

Day Eleven of Gratitude

Seeing through the eyes of a child is the key to today’s assignment.  I like to think that is something I do on a daily basis.  When my second oldest was an infant and I first started suspecting something was different about him, I spent a lot of time trying to see into his world.  In the years I read and studied and took him to doctors trying to find answers I -needed- to see into his world and as he saw things to be able to finally get his diagnosis (which turned out to be autism).  Knowing why his world was so different helped me to make him happier by meeting his expectations.  I often think about where his world and the world for the rest of us collide and cause him frustration.  I try to stay a few steps ahead of what might be a problem.  Even as a toddler he liked a routine and order that I am thankful I was able to see, understand, and then work with him to meet his needs.

Recognizing that we all see things differently, I often think or talk about what was going on in this or that person’s world.  Understanding the underlying needs or motives or reasoning usually helps me to better serve my children, and sometimes grown-ups, too.   I am very thankful for this habit of trying to see other perspectives because I think it has helped me provide help or avoid hurting people unintentionally, though sadly I still mess up at times.

I’m pretty sure the assignment was more about the awe and wonder at the newness of things in the world to a child, which I love to see.  I know I went off on a tangent, but it’s almost 4am and in my mind, seeing into another person’s world also includes all that amazement and joy and innocence of how a child sees the world.  As I try to gain a better understanding of the worlds of each of my children and others, I can also delight in their joys.

For instance, I had to clean out the sewer line earlier because my little boy had flushed a toy fish down the toilet and it caused a nasty back-flow and clog.  But lacking a fish tank in the house, where else would you play with a toy fish besides the toilet?  It was already full of water, and who can blame him for not wanting to fish it out when he was done, or even wanting to see it “swim” circles and go down the drain?  I couldn’t blame him.  I talked to him about not flushing toys any more, but I couldn’t be mad at him since in his world, it made a certain sense.  And in the grand scheme of things, life is too short to take that moment of excitement away from my son with a lecture.  We just made a deal that no more toys get flushed and to let me get out anything that might find its way in there that doesn’t belong.

So I am very thankful for my children and others who help me to see the world in whole new ways.

For my Sons

My oldest son is attending a football game and supposedly a movie afterward.  He recently went to his first high school dance as well.  I had an inkling that he might be hoping to spend some time with a certain young lady, so I took a few moments on the car ride over to reiterate my expectations for his behaviour.

Ever since the kids were little I have tried to make clear my stand on morality and other matters, starting small and building upon the concepts as they were able to understand.  Dolls don’t “snuggle with their clothes off” unless they are married.  Private parts are private and are the parts covered by a bathing suit.  We don’t call names.  “Shut up” and “stupid” are swear words in our house.  You are not allowed to hurt yourself or anyone else, feelings included.  If you don’t like my rules, write it down on a list of how you will parent differently, but this is my turn to be in charge.  All in all, pretty straight-forward and clear, I hope.

So tonight, as one bit of a long pattern of me trying to guide my children, I reminded my son to be respectful if he found himself in the company of a young lady, to open the doors for her, be kind and polite, offer to pay for her if he could, and be a gentleman.  Back in the days of my own dating adventures, I came across a fair number of disrespectful boys and promised myself that no son of mine would ever disrespect a young lady.  I have told my kids before that if one of them is disrespectful of another person (and by this I mean pushing them into physical intimacies, anything inappropriate, abuse of any sort), I would march them to the other person’s home and have them apologize to the person and their parents, besides consequences at home.  And they know I’d do it, too.  I just hope I never have reason to take it to that extreme.

Am I over-reacting to my own experiences? Perhaps.  But a promise is a promise and I will continue to do all I feel I should for my boys to grow up as men who respect and appreciate women.  Like most things, by restraining yourself in some ways opens up so many opportunities.  I hope that teaching them restraint now will give them more options later, even if it is just being that guy that the girls all like because he knows how to treat a lady.

What I Hope to Teach

I only have a few more months before my oldest is off to college and on with her life.  Have I taught her enough?  Have I taught her and all the kids what really matters most?  I’ve certainly tried to raise independent, intelligent, well-mannered children with a healthy skepticism of the consumerist society we live in, hopefully with an ample portion of compassion and kindness.  Stubbornness runs in their genes which is both good and bad (if you let it be).  I hope I have raised readers and adventurous souls who want to learn and do more.  The more I think about it, the more I see this as a multi-part series divided by subjects I hope to have imparted.  Hmm…. Or perhaps I am again up too late and thinking too much.